NFL Picks 2009 - Week 13

It's week 13 and the playoffs can't get here soon enough. This regular season is just about fucked out. We might see one more team emerge as a true contender in the last month, but that's about it. On to the picks, stronger than ever...

Here's where we stand;

Dan: (124-52); Last Week (13-3)
Bryan: (119-57); Last Week (13-3)
Alex: (118-58); Last Week (11-5)

New York Jets (5-6) at Buffalo Bills (4-7), 8:20 p.m., Thursday

Dan: I want to take the Bills, I really do, but their quarterback sucks and if they win two in a row Vegas might shut down for a whole week while it reevaluates itself. Score: New York Jets, 20-13

Alex: Is there seriously any way to make a good pick in this game? The Bills are a team that seems to be back from the dead but come on, this game is being played in Toronto. That's cause Buffalo is a fucking joke. Score: New York Jets, 21-13

Bryan: Even though the Jets are having a rough season, their defense is still one of the best in the league. I can't see any Bills quarterback scoring enough to win this ball game. Score: New York Jets, 19-10

Oakland Raiders (3-8) at Steelers (6-5), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: If the Steelers lose this game, watch and laugh as the bandwagon empties faster than a funeral when Uncle Randy gets drunk and starts doing off-color jokes during the eulogy. "You know, dad was a Raiders fan, but their jerseys are black and I always hated them. You know what else is black and fun to hate?..." Score: Pittsburgh, 31-14

Alex: 3 straight losses and some locker room turmoil. Upset and a season ending defeat? Please. The Raiders are dogshit masquerading as a football team. But if the Steelers lose, you have my permission to burn this town to the fucking ground. Score: Pittsburgh, 31-13

Bryan: I had a strange feeling today. I harnessed the energy and it's apparently made me insane. The voice said, "The Steelers aren't losing another game this regular season." Oh shit, it's on. Score: Steelers, 34-13

Philadelphia Eagles (7-4) at Atlanta Falcons (6-5), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: This game has better 9-7 final score potential than even Tampa Bay-Carolina. Alas, I'm picking the Eagles to win another big game only because they need to keep pace with Dallas. I'm serious. The football fans of Philadelphia, Washington D.C. and New York are unstable enough as it is. If Dallas wins that division? Hell with the lid off on the eastern seaboard. Score: Philadelphia, 19-17

Alex: The only team that would be affected by Matt Ryan and Micheal Turner is my fantasy team. The Eagles should beat them bad enough that Vick might even get to throw a pass in his glorious return to Atlanta. Score: Philadelphia, 28-10

Bryan: Atlanta has some key players out this week, and Philly is the type of team that takes advantage of situations like this. Score: Philadelphia, 24-14

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-10) at Carolina Panthers (4-7), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: Jake Delhomme is so snake-bitten that when he gets home his kids are intercepting his car keys as he tries to throw them on the coffee table. Lucky for him (and Carolina) he's not playing and the Panthers will go conservative and run, baby, run. Score: Carolina, 24-17

Alex: Delhomme is out for the Panthers? Score: Carolina, 27-20

Bryan: The only reason the Panthers win this game is because Delhomme is out and they'll be forced to do what they should do all the time; Run the ball! Score: Carolina, 24-20

St. Louis Rams (1-10) at Chicago Bears (4-7), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: If the Bears don't pull this game out, it might be time to blow the whole god damned thing up. By the way, Lovie Smith, you get WAY too little heat for having such a shitty talent evaluation record. Score: Chicago, 16-14

Alex: If the Bears lose this game I am going to personally drive to the windy city and take a shit on Soldier Field. Score: Chicago, 31-14

Bryan: What an abysmal Super Bowl Pick. Pure rubbish. Score: Chicago, 27-13

Detroit Lions (2-9) at Cincinnati Bengals (8-3), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: Matthew Stafford, one of my Georgia Dawgs, turned a lot of heads recently with this gutsy performance caught on tape that was admittedly helped along by the talented staff at NFL Films. Watch the video, because it's nice to see the Lions do well, which is not what you'll see Sunday. Score: Cincinnati, 24-10

Alex: Hey, thank God Cedric Benson is back. I'm not a Bengals fan but he is on my fantasy team. Score: Cincinnati, 27-10

Bryan: Cincinnati better win this game, because they're losing the next two after this one, leaving the door wide open for the Steelers to crawl back into this thing. Score: Cincinnati, 31-10

Tennessee Titans (5-6) at Indianapolis Colts (11-0), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: Suddenly, Tennessee is in the playoff hunt. Yay. Too little, too late. Oh, and the Steelers and Jets own a tiebreaker over them, and they don't play the Ravens or Broncos at all this year. Fat chance, Titans. Score: Indianapolis, 31-24

Alex: If the Colts are going to lose a game this is the one but something tells me that the real Vince Young will stand up on sunday and shit the money bed on the road. Score: Indianapolis, 31-21

Bryan: I'm willing to take some chances this week to attempt to catch Dan, but picking the Titans here would just be dumb. Score: Indianapolis, 37-22

Houston Texans (5-6) at Jacksonville Jaguars (6-5), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: The Jaguars are garbage. Stink worse than the grease traps at a Popeye's in mid-summer Tuscaloosa. Are so stunningly flawed that even their mothers don't love 'em. Score: Jacksonville, 41-10

Alex: The Jags are making a playoff run while Texans are on there knees blowing there window of opportunity. Still the Jags have not beaten a team with a winning record. Oh yeah I forgot, Houston is 5-6. Score: Jacksonville, 28-24

Bryan: Houston flirts with .500 football again after this week. Score: Houston, 30-17

Denver Broncos (7-4) at Kansas City Chiefs (3-8), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: The Chiefs are back down to Earth after a humiliating loss at the Chargers. But this is still the bullshit NFL. Denver needs to play a field position and time of possession style game and get the hell out of there as fast as possible with a win. Score: Denver, 21-13

Alex: The AFC is apparently doing it's NFC impersonation this week. Score: Denver, 35-16

Bryan: Maybe....ah no chance. Score: Denver, 28-16

New England Patriots (7-4) at Miami Dolphins (5-6), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: I wish I had the balls to pick the Dolphins in this one, because it feels like New England is ready for a really, really bad loss, and I think it could come this week. However, I'll give Brady and Moss one last chance to rediscover the old magic. Score: New England, 27-17

Alex: After being embarrassed on MNF last week I like the Pats D to bounce back against a rookie QB. But seriously, don't go to sleep on the Dolphins. Henne won't blow up in the 4th quarter every week. Score: New England, 28-17

Bryan: This isn't the same old Patriots. That's why I think they get the same old results in Miami. Score: Miami, 23-20

New Orleans Saints (11-0) at Washington Redskins (3-8), 1 p.m., Sunday

Dan: The Saints officially have my full attention after their surgical dismemberment of the Patriots on Monday night earlier this week. The Redskins on the other hand officially are going to have their logo featured on a new toilet paper that I just invented. NFL Shop, are you listening? Score: New Orleans, 34-7

Alex: A duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill." Lame? So is this game. Score: New Orleans, 38-17

Bryan: 16-0 really is within reach for this team. Score: New Orleans, 42-17

San Diego Chargers (8-3) at Cleveland Browns (1-10), 4:05 p.m., Sunday

Dan: The Chargers take care of business against teams they should beat, and the Browns cooperate on a staggeringly consistent basis in games they should lose. Score: San Diego, 29-6

Alex: The Browns are such garbage that the best football news to come out of the city is a video of LeBron James fucking around after practice and throwing a football through the hoop from full court. Score: San Diego, 35-3

Bryan: Hey, it's week 13. I've run out of shit to say about the Browns. Score: San Diego, 37-6

Dallas Cowboys (8-3) at New York Giants (6-5), 4:15 p.m., Sunday

Dan: Jerry Jones is trying something new this year in Dallas. Throughout the Cowboys' practice and game day facilities, calendars will now show November as a 61 day month. I think it'll work. Oh shit, the game's in New York? Well... Score: New York Giants, 24-23

Alex: The Giants are beaten up and pretty much fucked, I guess we will start hearing about Tom Coughlin being on the hot seat now. Speaking of which, Wade Phillips, note to self: Shut the fuck up. Score: Dallas, 31-20

Bryan: The tank is just about empty in New York. Score: Dallas, 30-17

San Francisco 49ers (5-6) at Seattle Seahawks (4-7), 4:15 p.m., Sunday

Dan: Seattle has shown us a textbook example of how it's nearly impossible to win without at least a stable offensive line. Score: San Francisco, 17-13

Alex: This game is why there is a west coast bias in sports. Score: San Francisco, 28-21

Bryan: San Fran is undefeated in the division. Yeah, this date with destiny just started her rag. Score: Seattle, 20-17

Minnesota Vikings (10-1) at Arizona Cardinals (7-4), 8:20 p.m., Sunday

Dan: The Cardinals are living dangerously these days and dropped a winnable game on the road against the Titans last week. While they can afford to lose this game, they need to get some momentum going before the playoffs start if they want to be the darkhorse factor I think they can be in the postseason. Score: Minnesota, 31-21

Alex: Too bad Warner is most likely out of this game. Should still be an okay game but look for the Vikings to continue to roll. Score: Minnesota, 30-17

Bryan: Minnesota looks unstoppable right now. I don't really see any weak spot on this team, and unfortunately I mean even at the quarterback position. Score: Minnesota, 27-17

Baltimore Ravens (6-5) at Green Bay Packers (7-4), 8:30 p.m., Monday

Dan: Baltimore was lucky to win last week, but a win is a win. The Packers have one job to do against them this week: stop Ray Rice, and the game is theirs. God save their defense. Score: Green Bay, 28-20

Alex: The Ravens are clearly bullshit and the Packers seem to be putting it together. As long as they have someone on the team that can tackle Ray Rice in the flat, they should be fine. Score: Green Bay, 24-17

Bryan: If only Baltimore could play a team's third quaterback every week. Atleast then they could maybe win in overtime. Score: Green Bay, 21-16